Thoughts: Babymama Drama and Babydaddy Blues
Posted by nubeing on February 19, 2008
Please bear with me as I try to sort out my mangled thoughts.
Last weekend, I went to a “Parent Forum” at a family event. The children were engaged elsewhere in various activities geared towards their age groups (it was an EXCELLENT event) while the parents had an opportunity to talk about different issues that were affecting us as parents and our families.
One brother shared his frustration with what he called the “Babylon System.” Separated from his former girlfriend, he was now caught up in the crazy world of family court, child support, custody and visitation. I think he said that he was allowed to see his daughter only once a week on Wednesday plus every other weekend. His rage was directed at his ex who had thrown their entire family into a turmoil by calling Babylon on him (which included Children’s Aid or what is sometimes called Child Services) but it was obvious to him that in the end, his daughter would be the one to suffer the most.
Two days later, I was driving with a girlfriend of mine. She is recently separated from her husband and lives alone with their daughters. She shared her frustration that her husband is not holding up his end of the financial responsibility. She says that she has been more than patient while he got a job and got his financial house in order. However, after taking note of his new car and a new computer while he still claims that he has no money to put toward the support of his daughters, she is ready to take her request to the next level. Thinking of the comments that the brother made on the weekend, I shared his concerns with my friend, especially around the impact of Children’s Aid and the court system on the children. She repeated, vehemently, that her daughter’s father gives no money for food, no money for their schooling and seems bent on punishing her at the expense of their daughters. She asked me, “What am I supposed to do?” I didn’t have an answer.
My anxiety is centered around the realization that we have too many fathers who are not helping to support their children, either with money OR with their time. Then, when a mother is forced to go to court, brothers are quick to say “Can you believe it? She called the MAN on me!” It is seen as the ultimate betrayal. On the other hand, we DO have mothers who play the games, holding out their child as a pawn for the most money, denying visitation, telling lies, everything. And we DO have those fathers who use fake addresses to avoid the court papers, work under the table to avoid having their wages garnished, get their driver’s licenses revoked, passports revoked and still jump through all kinds of hoops, all to avoid giving money to feed their children!
But we also have hard working mothers who wish they didn’t have to take it there, having the court in their family business just to make a father do right — and usually unsuccessfully. And we have fathers who genuinely want to be a part of their children’s lives but are just not able to get a fair break in the legal system.
My question to you is: Have you been involved in the family court system for child-support or custody issues? If yes, why did it come to that? If no, is it something that you would do if you had to?
The other thing that blows my mind is the hate that sometimes comes along with the rage. When I heard this man talking about his ex-girlfriend, it seemed like he forgot there was ever a time that he had loved this woman. That he CHOSE to have a child with this woman. I think if I could talk to every angry “babydaddy” or ex-husband out there, I would ask them, Do you remember what it was like to love this woman? Before she became, as you say, a “crazy, deranged babymama?” Same for the sisters: Unless this was a hit-and-run, I’m thinking that we CHOSE to have a child with this man. What happened? How do things fall apart?
February 20, 2008 at 5:16 am
So here’s the challenge. We are quite mature when we lay down to share sexual intimacy but not so when we meet the real consequences that bear fruit - namely children. On both sides there are challenges. The truth is that the obligation of both parents is to nurture and support the children that THEY have been active participants in bringing into this world. No one (hopefully) put a gun to anyone’s head to get to that point. Mature adults that we believe we are, should thus bear their responsibilities including providing clothing, shelter and the necessities of life for their children. What needs to be excluded from the equation are all the immature emotional responses that get tangled up in the situation when relationships do not work out. My issue with John, Sally, Karen or Steven and our breakup should not impact the child that we willingly chose (whether planned or by “accident”
to create. So, in short, if or when push comes to shove and the option is to go to the family court system or not, for the betterment of the child (not for a personal vendetta) OUR child, I would choose the court system. It is unfortunate that it has to come to this when just at minimum 10 months ago, these same two people were lying in each other’s arm basking in the glow of their intimate connection……
February 20, 2008 at 5:22 am
We can’t abdicate our responsibilities because a relationship doesn’t work the way we want it to. Being an adult means taking responsibility for our actions. It is not the system’s fault that couples/ex-couples end up in family court, it is an inability to maturely work out a plan to be equally engaged in a child’s life and to consistently follow it that places us in these situations. We need maturity, we need integrity and a sense of responsibility…..
February 28, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I suppose since we cannot fix the past we can only move forward with forethought. If we are willing to live according to our plans (to the best of our ability) and serve as examples to our children, we will be able to change this for our future generations. I have much hope for this. I am fortunate to have a husband who is well versed and sensitive to women’s issues, and he takes the time to counsel young men AND women alike in regards to healthy relationships as God intended them to be. What is happening to us should not be taken for granted. We are building the Generations for the world to come - without much forethought or planning and we are suffering the consequences for that.
Thanks for posting.
March 2, 2008 at 1:47 pm
“We are nothing more nor less than the product of our own upbring. What makes individual choice or thought work to change this is how much we WILL to be an exception to this rule.”
That being said, we chose to have children for boys in grown bodies that never had the nurturing household that taught them proper responsibilities. They that do not support their own children, grew up seeing their mothers supporting them and didn’t get to see the fathers contribution in their lives. Be it funds that the mothers privately deposited, the clothes that his mother gave him without crediting his father, or the groceries that his father was to drop off while he was sleeping in the night, these men today have no memory of a fathers fight to care for them. And yes, in some cases this is an ongoing thread throughout several generations.
Girls fitting on their mothers dress and heels. It took some time to realize how big those shoes are. The weight of that dress or stress? Yes, the boys just want to play. Play with you, their toys and their friends. Did they ever listen their mother when she use to tell them that playtime was over? You need to play hard-ball and let it hit them between the eye to know how much it hurts. Hurts you and that child when he doesn’t stop playing around. Do what you have to regardless how it feels to you, and bring this player through the bases in strides to a “HOME RUN”. There is now one to go to. You must go up to bat a swing to bring him to his senses. DO NOT USE VIOLENCE, use tolerance and conviction to reach the man inside the boy. You will see him come home and give his toys to his child. His friends will do the same.
I took my son’s father to court, and he was scared into lying to save himself. No one ever took him to court before, and I knew he would hate me for it. Yet, I had a book with me that said sometimes you do what you know is right and only understand that there are days left for change. I could only hope that he would take this new experience as a spanking that he never got at home to be disciplined in his future actions.
I went up to bat. I swung. 9 years later…it worked. He “RAN HOME” He calls me now asking what he can do to help more with our son. our son calls him every night to remind him what his involvement means to him. Now he understands where he went wrong.
My husband had a boy still loose in him. When everything else failed, I let him go. I chased him out to the sports cars, downtown life and party crowds. I told him to lay with anything that wanted him. Take it all! Feed his curiosity till his belly swells. I went up to bat. I swung. 2 years later he “RAN HOME”. His speech wasn’t full of “I”’s but was replaced with “We”s and “Us” and “the children’s”. He gave the kids his toys and bought them new ones. He sent money just because. He takes them out more now that he understands how valuable the weekends became to the kids after 2 years of them visiting him. He said he was lonely, sorry, and ashamed. He still doesn’t understand why I so easily let him go without fighting to keep him. I told him
” It was the boy I wanted. He was the worm on the hook, it was the man I sent you out to catch.”
Go to bat, swing, and bring him “HOME”.
May 7, 2008 at 7:25 pm
The problem usually arises before the child is even born. I am currently six months pregnant and the father of my child and I are not on speaking terms. He was taking me back and forth to work but I was putting gas in his car. So, he might as well been a taxi. He would ride around all day while I was at work so that I would have to put more gas in his car to get home. I started catching rides from other people and now we aren’t talking. On top of that, beforehand, he would constantly ask me if I was going to put him on child support. My problem with that is, why did he even suspect that I was going to put him on child support if he was taking care of his responsibilities in the first place? Recently, I have began to buy small things for my child. He told me that he was not buying anything until after the baby shower because he doesn’t want to waste any money. I find this to be absolutely ridiculous! While baby showers provide the new parents with great necessities, they do not provide all the essentials for that child. I also believe that it is the parents responsibility to provide for their child and they shouldn’t be “counting” on any type of hand- outs. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
June 24, 2008 at 9:27 pm
I have been in this situation before and to be honest…it is all about the children in the end.
My ex and I are no longer together but I have chosen not to use “Babylon” to get him to pay money. All of the conversations we have had have been because of the children. Maturity is what it all boils down to..because in the end the main deal was we had to put our personal issues aside for the stability of our children.
June 30, 2008 at 12:31 am
I have a wonderful son with someone who I wasn’t in a serious relationship but who was a friend with benefits for 5 years.. After I told him I was expecting he left the country on a planned vacation called me when he returned 3 months later but still I didn’t see him or talk until I was 8 months pregnant.
From this history I would not have expected to be so thankful that he is my sons father. We are truly blessed. He was with me during child birth and I can truly say he has stepped up to the plate. I think a turning point with him helping out financially (he’s always spent time with his son ) was when I told him to not bother giving me money because it was more aggravating when he didn’t have any to give each week then not getting any money at all. Plenty of people would tell me to take him to court for money. I always responded I don’t want to ruin his relationship with his son.
Thankfully I wasn’t strapped for cash so my son never needed anything I couldn’t provide. I could see how someone how isn’t in a similar position may rush to court to straighten out a situation that should be handled between two adults. Learning how to be a parent and realizing you’re a parent doesn’t happen over night.
I’m so glad I didn’t go to court. Now his situation has changed and he contributes more than we agreed upon, he still sees his son a couple days a week, keeps him when I need to travel multiple days for work, and my son sometimes calls for Dada when crying or when I pick him up from the sitter. His dad and I only talk when it has to do with our sons well being though. Can’t seem to make our relationship better though.
Its funny , how all those people who were telling me to take him to court, don’t have any words about him when he’s doing the right thing. I guess that’s not as interesting of a topic!